Five Guys & Lamaze Class

As recently reported by Toronto Now's Phalguni Fanibhusan, five guys identifying themselves as "Five Guys" have been making quite a stir in Toronto, Ontario.

Emigres from the micro-theocracy of Visagestan, the Five Guys are currently pursuing simultaneous cases against Toronto Metropolitan Police, various private citizens and a handful of journalists, before the Ontario Human Rights Commission and the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario.

They claim harassment has been directed upon their cultural and religious practices, which include wearing black ski masks and black gloves in public.

The latest flap occurred when the Five Guys accompanied a pregnant woman to a Lamaze class. The woman claimed one of the men was her husband and father of the baby, but declined to identify which of the Five Guys it was.

The trouble began when the Lamaze instructor began leading couples through the first series of breathing exercises. It was then that Aqua Shirt Guy, leader of the Five Guys, demanded that all of the women in the room be quiet.

"It was freaky enough having these five guys in there, wearing black ski masks," said Susie Gendreau, a student in the class. "They surrounded this poor woman like they were Secret Service or something. But when we started the first exercise, the guy in the blue --"

"Aqua!" Aqua Shirt Guy shouted, as he wrestled with arresting officers nearby. "My shirt is aqua!"

Visibly shaken, Ms. Gendreau continued: "You see, he was shouting just like that. What is his problem?"

The problem, it turned out, was that the Five Guys are adherents of the religion known as Visageban. Interviewed outside the police station where they were booked and released, Aqua Shirt Guy explained:

"Women are forbidden to speak! They must never make a sound unless commanded by a man! Childbirth is a shameful, ignoble act and must be done in complete silence!"

To which Toronto Now's Phalguni Fanibhusan asked, "Then why would you attend a Lamaze class, in the first place?"

"People are always saying to us, 'You must become more western!' So, we attempted to take part in this western practice. But we quickly found it offensive to our culture and religion!"

When asked which of the Five Guys was married to the pregnant woman they accompanied, no answer was given.

"We come from Visagestan to make a new life," Aqua Shirt Guy continued, "and all we find in Canada is prejudice, intolerance, racism and condemnation! If we wanted to live like that, we would have stayed in Visagestan."

Spiritual leader for the area, Barbara Hall, was unavailable for comment due to her work in establishing a National Press Council. She was apparently off, comparing various grades of tethers and ball gags to be used on recalcitrant journalists.

Morgan Flagstaff, spokesman for C.W.S.N.O.A.A. -- Canadians Who Seek Never to Offend (Anyone Anywhere) -- had this to say, "Following this egregious transgression against the Five Guys' basic human rights, the C.W.S.N.O.A.A. is asking the Harper government to suspend all Lamaze classes across the nation, until an amicable solution can be found."

To which Toronto Now's Phalguni Fanibhusan responded: "But we're talking about five men from Visagestan --"

"Five men and one woman!" Flagstaff shot back.

"OK, we're talking about six people from Visagestan. There have never been these kinds of complaints about Lamaze class in the past, but you suddenly want all classes across the country stopped because of six people?"

"We don't play a numbers game in Canada," Flagstaff said disgustedly. "'Majority rules' went out of this country with the Union Jack. Let me tell you: several years ago, we had an emigre from East Lactania who was in a vegetative state on life support in Toronto Grace Hospital. One of his caregiver's intuited that he disapproved of Diet Fresca. That was enough to have Diet Fresca banned in this country. We don't play a numbers game in Canada. It's all about tolerance and justice."